Loving
by vampireloveaffair17
Summary: The story of how Esme and Carlisle love and the struggle it takes to keep the ones you love alive.
1. Chapter 1

Esme.

The sweet harmony of the waves crashing over the shore calmed me. I could feel the heat of the afternoon's sun beating down on me. Its warmth spilled all over my body. But despite the warmth, the feeling of serene peace and utter bliss I should be feeling — I was not.

My heart ached. I felt, almost, past the point of physical illness. I felt hurt, worried, and distraught amongst all other things. _My baby _was all I could think.

_My poor baby. Gone._

I looked into the bright sun; averting my gaze from the deep blue crashing waves that lay below me.

Why? I asked the heavens. Why did you take my baby from me?

No answer came. Nothing changed. And in that moment I had never felt so…betrayed. I felt weak, worst of all. How could I not keep him alive? My weak feeble arms were not able to care tenderly for him as he deserved. I could not keep him on this earth. I was alone.

I stared back at the crashing waves.

There was nothing left for me here. No reason to live because, he was all that my life could fathom to mean anything for. Without him, I was nothing. Empty.

I neared the edge of the rocky cliff. My bare feet letting my toes curl around the dirty edge. I stared off into the blank sky and I didn't think. I let all thoughts leave my body.

I could not see when my body hit the water. And, for that, I was thankful. However the pain brought on by the impact told me when I was fully submerged. My bones crumpled against the force.

I could feel the air rushing from my body in bubbles floating upwards. Peace flooded me for a moment. The moment passed and all too soon I felt raw panic eating away at me. I pushed away the instinct that told me I should be fighting for air. I didn't want to live. I couldn't live. I fought against the pain in my lungs—the burn for air.

My eyes opened and I stared at the water around me, seeing the blurred surface mere feet above me. However, I didn't move. By now anyway I was sure I couldn't move. Dark black spots clouded my vision and, finally, I felt death—peace...

Carlisle.

I started out the window of the hospital. The small droplets of water were casting rainbows in the subdued light from the florescent lighting of the hospital.

"Ahem," Nurse Jackie coughed to retrieve my attention.

"Yes," I murmured without turning back to face the nurse.

"We have an incoming emergency call. A woman, she's 30, who seemed to have fallen off a cliff. Chance of recovery is small and decreasing rapidly. Minor severed injuries to the brain."

"Yes, well then clear trauma room one." I ordered, "I shall wait for her arrival."

On my way to the emergency entrance, I managed to grab some latex gloves and slide them on before they were removing the lady from the ambulance. Normally my blasé reaction to trauma patience kept me in order—a necessity for any medical practitioner.. However, something in the women's bleakly pale face twisted my gut. I held my breath, figuring it was the bloodlust.

As I wheeled us both to the trauma room I kept my eyes glued to her face. My sensitive hearing able to detect the faint decreasing beat of her heart. She was barely holding on. Her heart, in a matter of minuets, would undoubtedly, fail. The very thought sent me into a panic.

Her face… she seemed lovely even in death. She held a glow to her skin as if she were lit from the inside. I could feel myself being drawn to her and immediately I knew I couldn't let her die.

"She's dead." I murmured.

I waited until the nurse left before I scooped her fragile body into my arms. I could still hear her heart beating ever so faintly. Thanks to my vampire abilities I was able to sneak out without causing anyone to notice the fact that I was carrying an almost-dead patient in my arms.

Once I was covered by the canopy of the thick vegetation I bolted for my house. As I neared I could hear Edward stand agitatedly pushing off a book from his lap as he did.

Edward…I do not know how to ask this of you. But would you spare her as I have spared you? Will you let me keep her with us?

I could hear Edwards's faint fast whisper of words. "How did this happen?" he demanded.

I didn't bother speaking figuring he could read my mind.

"Ah," Edward sighed passively.

You understand then?

"Very much so, I am, however, letting you make the choice." He dismissed himself from the room I now stood in.

Mindful of her wounds I set her on the kitchen table and I heard her heart start to falter. This was it. I cradled her face between my hands and drew my mouth close to the arch in her neck moving her head away as I did. Wanting to be as careful as I could with her but also wanting to keep her alive while I could I let my lips brush past the soft skin of her neck mid-brush letting my venom coated teeth skin into her flesh.


	2. Chapter 2

Esme.

Pain was evident. It was the only sign in the darkness that I could consummate from the peace. It was the only real thing I found it in search of light. Anything would be better then the dark abyss I was now in. It was warm at first. I found that comforting. The warmth quickly lapped at the rest of me fully coating me. I liked it. It almost felt like I was being tickled.

The warmth got hotter like turning the knob on the bathtub. And all too soon it became uncomfortable, scolding all of my body at once. I tired to move away from it, to find the source of the heat and move far away. I found though to my great dismay that I couldn't.

I screamed in the burning darkness for help. I screamed for my little boy. I pleaded for the pain to cease — all to no avail. My mind tortured me with the terrifying resolution that the pain may never go away. Was there no heaven? No. There had to be. I didn't give up on that. I kept with it murmuring with the flames that consumed my body that god would help. No help came and I quickly found myself screaming in torture again.

After what had seemed like forever, the pain started to subside decimally starting from my fingertips. I could hear muddled voices in the background. It took a while before I could make out what they were saying.

"She seems better now." A deep voice closest to me said.

"Yes," another deep voice agreed. "She seems much better; it shouldn't be long now…"

Who where they talking about? It took a moment before it dawned on me that they must be talking about me since I could detect no other voices in the room or breathing patterns.

The fire battle inside me continued on non-stop the fire growing hotter in my chest and it was taking longer for the fire to fade in my fingertips.

"Can you hear her?" the voice closest to me asked desolately and I had a sudden over-powering urge to comfort him.

"Yes." I heard the second voice confirm, "She doesn't know who we are yet."

Hear me? How could they hear me? And how did he know who I was? I had an urge to ask but remained silent.

I could hear a chair closest to me moan in protest as the man shifted towards me, his breath caressing my skin. I would have shuddered if my heart was not trying to jump out of my chest. No, instead of letting myself refocus on the nearly mind blowing pain I let myself concentrate on the conversation which still hadn't yet ended.

"Carlisle," the one farther from me said in a low voice, "She's close."

I could feel the cool probing fingers trying to sooth me with gentle circles on my arm. The pleasure from the small action shocked me. I wanted to savor the pain free action but all too soon the fire rose in my chest. Somehow it managed to get hotter.

Abruptly my heart stopped and slowed… _Thump thump-thump_......_thump_…and then nothing. I gasped as the fire mercifully drained away leaving me, for the moment, pain-free.

I found that I could open my eyes. The first thing I saw was a beautiful pale man. I gasped. Not only was he far more lovely then any man I had ever seen, I could see him. I could see every strand of luxurious long beach-blonde hair, every smooth inch of his face. I quickly found myself gaping at his beauty. He chuckled and I was nearly awe struck at the sound… It was like the sound of ocean waves-calm and smooth.

I reached out dying to feel his skin but as I raised my hand I noticed it was the same color of his. I yelped in shock.

"Esme," the familiar low voice called.

I turned to come face to face with a pale boy his eyes were the same as the other and his skin was the same as mine. But I didn't feel the same urge to hold him as I did the other.

"Esme," the boy pleaded, "calm down please."

I frowned. How could I calm down when I knew neither of them? They could hurt me!

"Esme please," he begged again.

Something in his voice reminded me of my little boy... My little boy! I looked him in the eyes and for a moment I saw a brief flash of pain touch them. I broke out in a tearless sob. My whole body shook hard.

A smooth hand touched my shoulder gently. "Esme I am sorry for your loss."

For a moment I felt his remorse but then I realized how could he know about my boy?

A fierce growl escaped my lips.

"Carlisle," the boy said, "I think it's time we told her."


	3. Chapter 3

Esme.

I watched Carlisle walk over to me, his face set in a frown of deep concentration. He looked back to the boy in a long final gaze before he spoke. "Do you remember what happened?"

"Yes." I sighed dismissively, "I…erm—jumped off of a cliff."

"Why?" Carlisle asked smoothly as to show he meant no intentions to pry.

Could I resist him? No. I made a mental note to work on that as I took an unnecessary breath, "My boy," I looked over at the boy.

He frowned. "Esme, I am not him."

I nearly broke down.

"Esme, do you know where you are?"

"Heaven?" I offered unconfidently.

"No."

"Hell!"

"No," Carlisle vehemently dismissed my assumption. "No. Esme you are still on earth."

"How?" I cried out.

Carlisle sighed and disappeared for a moment. In the next moment the boy approached me.

"Esme, I hope you do not mind me asking this of you but it is the only way."

I frowned but nodded my head. He stepped closer to me placing my hands behind my back in the palm of both of his.

Carlisle returned and I could see his hands were behind his back grasping something.

"Don't breathe," Carlisle began. I obeyed and shut off my airways.

"This is who we are Esme. It let's us live and sustains the very existence of our being. Please try to understand."

I didn't know what he could be talking about but I nodded my head wordlessly in agreement.

He brought his hands forwards showing a small article of clothing in his tight grasp.

"Inhale," Carlisle ordered.

As I took in the air it was tainted with a sweet order that tickled my throat before it bursts into flames. I struggled against the boys hands feeling a burning need.

"Carlisle the boy ordered."

Mercifully Carlisle left the room and reappeared instantly.

"What...what was that?" I demanded angrily.

"You're a vampire. I changed you before you passed on." Carlisle spoke as if it were a thing in the past.

I was furious! How dare he damn me a life a monster! How dare he take me away from heaven!

"Esme," the boy said, "Carlisle saved you."

"How...how do you know my thoughts?"

"I might need to explain a bit myself." he stated. "My name is Edward and I am a vampire. Carlisle changed me in 1917 when I was dying of the Spanish influenza. My dying mother begged him to save me as her last wish and so he did." Edward spoke gesturing to himself.

"From the moment Carlisle saved me I learned I could read peoples thoughts, which is why I could tell about your son." Edwards's voice dropped down to a whisper.

I felt bad...if a monster like me could feel bad. His mother, my son; we both had lost the same links in life. I reached out and touched his arm in a soothing gesture.

"There is hope," Carlisle interjected after a moment of silence, "There is another way to live."

"How?" I asked.

"_We_ do not sustain ourselves on human blood but that of animals instead." He spoke with dignity as he looked proudly over to Edward.

"Is it not impossible?"

"No Esme it is not impossible, but we will not force you to join us—"

I cut him off, "I want to be as human as I am allowed to be in this existence. For my boy-" I broke off pressing my lips tightly together so I didn't cry.

"I will not take a human life away from another." I vowed looking deeply into Carlisle's eyes. Something in that moment made my world shift and felt everything lock into place as if it were going to stay that way. I certainly hoped with a fevering desire that it would.

Looking over to Edward I could see his face lit up in joy and I decided that in that moment I could not allow myself to leave Edward without a mother. We fit together in each others lives. We both needed each other; him a mother, and me a son.


	4. Chapter 4

Carlisle.

Esme was working hard the past couple of days. She was progressing vigorously in her attempts to sustain herself with animal blood. Slowly, each day I saw Esme's crimson eyes fade to subtle dark amber. She never smiled, though, once I caught a small one when she though no one was looking.

Edward and Esme were inseparable and I began to worry that the passion I felt, wholly, that I knew was wrong to feel, grew each day. Decimally I found things in common to talk with Esme about.

Once Esme and I had such a complex discussion on the layout for a garden, that Edward laughed and had to pretend to excuse him from the room "feigning a headache" as he put it. Although, I had spent enough time with Edward to know that when he was uncomfortable he never let anyone know.

I neared the small kitchen after a long day at the hospital. Physically I could spend all day there but, emotionally, I missed home. I wasn't surprised to hear Edward playing a ballad upon the piano and Esme was leaned over in deep concentration of what I could make out, was a blueprint.

"I hope," I began nearing the table, "That you're planning on adding a fountain."

"But of course," Esme smiled slightly at me. I guess from a certain point of view you could call it a small smile but from another it could be considered a grimace. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

I smiled kindly and after a long moment staring into her almost-amber eyes, I excused myself from the room murmuring on about something to do with my medical studies.

Esme wouldn't feel the same way that I yearned for her, did she? I didn't know and that made things all the worse. What I forgot to remember was Edward. And as if on cue, Edward threw open the door.

I sighed.

"Carlisle," Edward lowered his eyes to mine. They were filled with raw annoyance.

_I know. I know. _I said to him reproachfully. _I cannot help my feelings Edward. I cannot help the love I feel for her. I am sorry. _

"Carlisle," Edward frowned, "I am not upset about how you feel I am upset about the fact that I am about to go insane if you don't _finally_ admit your in love with her."

_She hates me still. _I countered. _Still, she hates me for turning her. How can I change her mind? I cannot. This, I am afraid, is my dilemma. I realized her human memories, over time, will fade. However, the feeling she has towards her outlook on men is a far cry from good. _

"You can't be sure." Edward stated disdainfully.

"Ah, alas I can't." I spoke out loud now. She couldn't possibly feel the same way for me as I do for her.

He just shook his head, "That, I am afraid, is not my story to tell."

"Exactly," I agreed.

Esme knocked on the door frame and smiled sheepishly at the both of us. "Don't tell me, you're analyzing the possibly of Peripheral Neuropathy again?"

We both couldn't help but smile at her use of medical terminology.

"You do know," I began, "That Peripheral Neuropathy is a disorder of nerves apart from the brain and spinal cord, right?"

She smiled coyly at me, "I'm no big-shot doctor."

Edward laughed a little, "Neither is he."

I laughed at him, "This coming from a boy who scored a 35 on his A.C.T."

Edward frowned at me, "Never going to let me live that down, will you?"

"Maybe," He knew it was already forgotten.

Esme was leaned back into my smooth black leather couch. Her luscious brown hair fell in curls down just past her rib cage. I marveled at her loveliness until Edward interrupted me.

"Carlisle, I think I am going to practice my scale, excuse me." He moved out of the room nonchalantly, although I knew otherwise.

"I should really get back to the blue print. I just wanted to come take a break for a minuet." Esme said.

As she rose to exit I spoke, "Wait, I wanted to talk to you."

She frowned but nodded and sat back down on the leather couch.

"What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Well, it was more of a request then anything…" I was sure if vampires could blush I would be red as a tomato.

"Request away," Esme murmured.

"Well…Esme…" I took a deep unnecessary breath and then let all the words rush out, "I was hoping if you would let me know if you're… feelings… towards me have changed in any way?"

Esme sat there shell-shocked from the look of it. She stayed like that for a moment longer before she composed herself and gazed deeply into my eyes searching for something.

It was a while before she responded, "It is time you finally knew my story."


	5. Chapter 5

Esme.

I took yet another unnecessary breath before diverging into my horrid past. I knew Carlisle would understand but a small part of me feared that telling him would do no good. That maybe, after understanding how I reacted, he would be disgusted at me. I pushed away the fear and began my story.

"I was born in Columbus, Ohio in 1895. My mother, a well trained housewife, raised me to believe that raising a happy clean family and pleasing your husband were your only jobs in this lifetime and that obeying your husband was before anything else."

I shuddered at the memory but continued.

"I still remember the first day we met when I fell when I was 16," I smiled at him. "I really did try to see the river."

Carlisle let out a chuckle but his eyes told me he yearned for more.

"So in 1917, I married Charles Evenson," I spit the name like it was a taboo. "My mother highly recommended him for me and I did not refuse him. Had I known the monster he was, I would have ran away and never looked back." I stated simply.

"He abused me… in every way possible. My mother taught me to keep "stoned-faced" as she put it and not say anything at all and that I was just overreacting. Thankfully I was abuse free for a few months since he was drafted for World War 1. However when he came home he made up for the time lost…" My voice trailed off in my distinct human memories.

"Esme…"Carlisle whisper was full of sorrow.

I just shook my head at him. It was in the past now so I continued, "The day I found out I was pregnant with _his_ child was the best and worst day of my life. I feared for my small precious baby I did not want him to grow up in a world of abuse like I was now in. So when Charles left for work one morning I left a note explaining everything and left for my cousin, Logan's house in New York.

"There I spent my months cleaning up after him whenever he was too busy and letting my baby grow strong. My baby…" I trailed off for a moment feigning a complete break down before beginning again, "He developed lung disease during labor and died shortly after. And as I'm sure you know by now I jumped off a cliff in an attempt to end my retched life and protect myself from that evil man."

Carlisle sat there and from what I could only guess processed the information. The only change throughout the entire story was that his eyebrows seemed to slant lower and lower with each passing word.

"He is still alive then?" Carlisle finally asked.

I nodded. "Charles met another woman." My voice held disgust.

Carlisle frowned and I heard Edward stop playing the piano in the other room briefly. They both knew something I did not.

"What?" I demanded.

"Nothing," Carlisle shook his head frantic to clean the thoughts from his mind and smiled at me, "Nothing at all."

"So you understand then?"

He nodded not saying anything.

I looked into his eyes, looking for some sign that he could comprehend what I was saying. I could only see a hollow reflection of what I felt myself—pain. I took in the rest of his face for some other indicator. His forehead was smooth and his eyebrows were slanted the same as they were mere moments ago. His lips were just inches from mine and I felt a physical need to feel the softness of them beneath mine.

I rebuked myself when I realized just how caught up I was getting in his beauty. How could I be sure this was what he wanted too? After a moment, I realized I couldn't. Quickly, I pulled back.

"Um… yes well I think I need to edit the structure on the fountain…" I stated shifting awkwardly before I rose from my seat next to him and left the room.

If he truly felt anything for me, surely he would have said something. And I shook my head as I neared back towards my blue prints. Maybe Carlisle just didn't feel the same way as I did for him. Finally I came to the conclusion, if he decided he did not— want me as I did him, that is— I would not push the matter upon him.

Until I knew, however, I was going to stay far away from Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I smiled to myself. I was going to finish my plans for my garden and build a stupendous one at that.

Carlisle.

When Esme sat here, not mere moments ago, I could almost see something flicker in her eyes. It was like we connected. As soon as we had connected, it faded from her eyes and she quickly excused herself from my study.

I sighed running my hands throw my hair, frustrated with myself for not being able to say it. My god, did I love her. I wanted to yell the simple fact from the rooftops. But, I sighed, alas I could not. I could barely allow myself to let Edward hear the fact too.

Did I love Esme? Yes. This was true. My only dilemma, I did not know if she felt the same way too. As if that were not bad enough Edward refused to share with me Esme's opinion upon the matter. So then, how could I know? I couldn't. And I would not press the matter with Esme.

Besides did a creature as horrific as I deserve her? No. The life given to her had been my fault no less. She did not choose this existence upon herself, I induced it upon her. My own selfishness to save her caused her a life in which she was forced to live and take lives for herself. I was a monster who did not deserve such a lovely creature as her.

But, there was a small voice in me, the same one that told me to eat animals instead of humans. The small voice called for Esme. It begged me to go and wrap her in my embrace and it told me she would never refuse me. I loved to toy with the idea that this was my conscious talking to me, but then again did a person like me have a conscious? I fiercely hoped so.

Determined not to let Esme's refusal of opinion get to me, I cracked open a new medical journal on scoliosis and started reading. Since I did have vampire speed it was nothing for me to finish the book before I had to return back to work my 18 hour shift at the hospital.

After I had successfully showered my body clean and gotten on a new pair of clothing along with my hospital robe, I headed downstairs. Smiling, I saw Edward and Esme both doing what I saw them doing when I came home. Edward was playing with a complex piece of music, trying to work on the bridge while Esme worked on finishing the landscape planning. I was impressed to find that already more then half of it had been finished. I waved both Edward and Esme goodbye, silently giving Esme my love, before I headed off to work.


End file.
